Negative Reactions

Have you ever wondered why we react the way we do when something happens? Maybe I am weird, but I do a lot. I try to figure it out especially when my reaction is not pleasing to my Savior. Unfortunately I find that many of my reaction/behaviors are ingrained in me to the point that they are terrible habits that I must break. I also have found that I can rationalize the convictions away.

Being a parent you soon learn that your reactions to your children are mimicked and they take your behaviors and pretty quickly they turn into habits. I have struggled with anger most of my life. It is a terrible sin and habit…I am talking about even those irritating sighs I give off to my yelling. I stuffed things for years and then almost as a release the emotion of all that stuffing would pop out in anger and sometimes frustrated tears too. Stress is a major trigger for me. When I start feeling overwhelmed and that nothing is going right, my frustration boils over. I see this in my birth children and I am guessing if I do not get a handle on this soon my adopted children will too. Now that I am aware of it I am helping my children see what I did not see for years. Training and growing is always going on around here! With my adopted children I see other behaviors that come from how they were raised previously.

I am trying hard to not stuff anymore and to deal with issues right away. Also when I get those overwhelming moments I have to stop and ask God what He wants me to learn at that moment. Honestly I fail more than I would like to admit, but God also gives me many victories! In turn I am trying to teach what I am learning to my children so that they can learn these hard lessons before they get these habits so ingrained in them that they will accept them as normal.

The harder thing for me lately is to help the adopted children. Yes I know that what they learned was from abuse and sin (sin is what my birth children learn from too, unfortunately). To help them defeat the specific behaviors is hard especially when I don’t know where it stems from.

The other day we were at a party and someone from the kids past came to the party also…all good memories with this someone. However, on the way home we had an episode that we have not had in a very long time. At first I was taken aback from the behavior, but then God revealed to me that she must have had a trigger to a bad memory or memories. Even though there were very good memories with the couple at the party it still brought back memories of the past abuse. I am guessing it brought back the old memories because that was why she had been placed with them. Not knowing how to deal with these old feelings again she reacted in a “fight” mode. Crying, yelling and arguments to both Joe and I lasted the entire drive home. All of it started with us telling her to not lean down in her car seat so she would be safe with the seat belt on correctly.

It took several minutes at home to calm her down and to point to the truth. Finally after she calmed down and we were able to talk, she was able to tell me what troubled her. She said that her “mom” and “dad” did not treat her right when she was little. That is all she said, but she was able to voice what was wrong which was wonderful! Amazing how seeing people that loved you will bring hurtful memories back. More amazing is how those memories can cause us to react. Learning how to voice our feelings and get a handle on how we are feeling is a great step to healing and recognizing the love and mercy God has for us to receive! God saved us from the most horrible thing I can think of, eternal separation from his presence, yet we accuse Him and treat Him like He did something wrong. Yet our God listens to us and waits with open arms. Honestly that night was hard with my little girl, but God is always faithful and I know that one day my little girl will grow from all this and bring Glory to God!  I also hold to the truth that God will give me victory over my reactions too! My God is amazing!!!!!!!!!!

“Let the little children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God.” Mark 10:14b

My Name is MOM!

A few days ago Wesley kept saying “mom” over and over again just for fun. At the time it was not fun for me. I was trying hard to get things done and he was just following me saying my name again and again. I considered changing my name. He didn’t want anything, just wanted to say my name. I started to raise my voice and yell, “QUIET!!”, but then in my mind flashed many friends’ faces that have fought to become pregnant. Many never have had a biological baby and many have lost their baby before getting to hold them.

All of a sudden my child that God gave to me, not from my womb, but from my wanting to obey my God looked totally adorable. I was washed with complete awe of God’s love for me to bless ME with children both biological and adopted. Why did he choose imperfect me? I am so unworthy. I can tell you I have grown more and quicker than ever in my spiritual walk since our adoption, but I am still oh so selfish. God has made it clear....my name is MOM!

Then you have those days that you really just plain hard. Those days that your 6 year old waits until you turn your eyes away to do what you just told her “no!” You love her, but you must be firm in her discipline. Balancing love and firmness some days is a challenge; especially when it happens over and over again. One thing that many do not understand is that discipline for a child from hard places verses a biological child takes much more work and a lot of mental effort. They need to know they cannot control you, must ask not tell. So much of our days are dealing with those little signs of manipulation. Granted they are getting in less frequency, but they must be dealt with immediately or those little signs become big signs. Those are the days that I would like to change my name. Those are the days I cry from physical and mental exhaustion. Those are the days that I cry out to God and He comforts me and sometimes sends me a friend going through the same thing.

Today was one of those days. This week has been interesting to say it nicely with Beth. This morning I got an e-mail from a dear friend who has adopted also. I discovered our week has been almost the same and yes I wish she didn’t have to go through it, but man does it encourage me to know I am not alone. Together we can sharpen one another. Together we can encourage one another when others just don’t get why we have to face every battle full on. Together we can remind each other of the blessing to be called MOM!

Thank you God for friends and being called MOM!

By the Grace of God go I

 I would like to share my thoughts with you today. 

It is amazing any more how time just flies by. It always reminds me of the song SOON by Hillsong that goes, “Soon and very soon. I will be with the One I love.” This gives me a sense of urgency. I want to always be alert to the fact that my time here on earth is short. Am I using my time wisely? What are my concerns in this life that I am focusing on? How much of an impact am I making in those around me? Can you even measure those things?

Yesterday Joe and I were talking about the changes all six of our children have gone through lately. Not just physical changes, but emotional and spiritual too. All those questions above were not in my mind at the time. Our three birth children are maturing before our eyes. We can see ever so slightly the transition from our faith to their faith. In other words they are owning their faith more and more. I see compassion for others coming from them and desire to see people come to a realization of their sins. What is really exciting is I am seeing a deeper bond with us as a family that is starting to unify us for the glory of God.

The bond as a whole family has impacted all of us. Beth is finally bonding with me! It has taken a lot of hard work to start seeing some fruit. I had to choose to love when it was really hard to love. Through those times she kept pushing me and pushing me away. Every time I got close reaching her emotionally she would push me away with a behavior to be honest was Ugly. We still has a way to go, but we are getting there one step at a time.

So back to how I started this post. Can we measure? I think changes are a good way of measuring…small and big. I could throw away all these changes and fuzzy feeling in the dump if God is not the author of these changes. God gets all the glory for any of these. We are in a battle even during these seemingly peaceful times. Satan is lurking, wanting to get our focus off of God because he knows that song is true above. What impact can we make here on earth before we are gone?  I look forward to falling at the feet of my savior, but I want to be able to look Him in the eye too!

Let us spread the good news of the gospel to everyone we meet. Be bold! Love mercy and seek justice! I want to start here to train up my little soldiers to be mighty warriors for God. I need to make sure my training manual is being used and my kids know why they are here for a short time on this earth. By the grace of God go I …how about you?

My thoughts...

I have never been a play-it-safe or timid kind of person. I jump right into something and get-r-done. However, yesterday morning during my Bible time I realized something. I always thought I was that way with my faith, however.... In an earthly sense I am, but comparing it to God's spiritual sense I am or have not been. WQhen God has laid it upon my heart to take a step in faith I do, but a step then I had two or three. I PLAN ahead. Yes I am a planner. I have a course of action all the time. Problem is God did not give me that second or third step when He told me to take that step. That was my own desire not His. 

I want to have that Resurrection faith, the faith that says, "Lord I am taking that step you have asked me to." ...then I WAIT! Wait for Him to guide me in the next step. I have done this on occasions and have been blessed, but many times I get too antsy and jump the gun. That is when the frustration in my circumstance starts. Starting today, right now Lord, I submit fully to listening and waiting for your voice. To follow in your footsteps. To turn to you before I step.

How does this effect my life? There are many areas as a parent and wife. Right now it has affected my home-school all year long. Why did it take me so long to learn?! Re-focusing is happening today. Starting today I wait...with anticipation!!

Lessons From a Little Tooth

I am so blessed to have a man to remind me to not take things personal. Today we had a great day doing school. All four of the younger crew really worked hard at doing school and letting others learn while I taught.  Then the day got really interesting. I was doing the last subject with Beth when I saw something odd with her mouth. I looked in her mouth and discovered a tooth missing and it had been gone for a while because the gum was healed. I asked her about it and she got silent. When she finally spoke she could not remember when it fell out, but she knew it was in the trash in her room. I hid my shock and how annoyed I was as much as I could. Yes, she had been told that her teeth would come out some day so why would she not tell me?

I went and called my man for advice. He graciously reminded me of the 4 year past before we were blessed with her. She was in fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what I would do. Fear that her tooth would never come back. FEAR! It is still an automatic response for her. Trust is coming, but it is slow coming. The exciting thing in all of this is what followed! Beth and I had an amazing talk! She realizes now that she does not have to be alone or be in fear. Trust will come. I know I will have to remind her many more times, but this is one more step forward! Beth’s response to our talk was excitement and pure joy. We celebrated and as I type this she is trying really hard to fall asleep so the tooth fairy will come…yes she knows it is mommy!

This brings me to what I reinforced in my mind today. What should be our response to this verse? "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10 ESV

We should have the same response that Beth had, excitement and joy. Worshipful joy! Along with that we should celebrate! We do not need to fear because God...wait a minute I am talking about GOD, the Mighty One, the King of kings will NOT leave you or even me! Our Father is the perfect example for us as parents. All this over a little lost tooth!

Birth Children's Struggle in Adoption

You are about to read the heart of our birth children. It may offend some of you, but they are just expressing their feelings. They are not perfect and God is working in our girls more than ever. This adoption has transformed our lives even more than they can see at their young age. God is revealing things in their lives daily and my (all) children are seeing God work on a daily bases.  Please show grace as you read these, but also I hope these open your eyes to the struggling side of adoption. You may ask would we do it again after reading this. By the grace of our Heavenly Father...YES! In fact the girls are already asking when we will do it again.

From Hannah age 11…

When we got the kids they were trouble makers. Beth was sweet and loved me so much.  But when she moved in she ignored, copycatted, annoyed, and lied to me and more of that kid stuff. David was cute but now he is starting doing all what Beth does. Wesley he’s cute but he cries so much. All year it was wild but after Winter Jam I changed and I can see that I am nicer to the kids. If God was not in me I would be mean to them and I wouldn’t ask God to help me with any troubles with the kids. This year I’m very ahead in school even with the little kids around. I always wanted to be a big sister. Now I have loving siblings and my dream came true. 

Rachel (age 14)

A year ago, in a court room... three kids were being adopted…by my parents. Never once would my family go back down to five, a forever family. August of 2010 is when we had the three little ones placed in our homes. Before we had them in our home we knew the little girl and boy because we knew the little girl's foster parents from church.

In the spring of 2010 my parents had a family meeting with me and my two other sisters. They told us they were going to try to adopt the little girl. I and my sisters were so happy. Finally we would have another little sister! So first my parents had to take classes. Then we found out the little girl, 'Beth' had two brothers in another foster home, so now we would get them. Yip-pi we get brothers! Then we had to sell our cars and get bigger ones, buy clothes, and then the Lord provided us a fourth bedroom. We also had to sacrifice getting rid of some animals, stuff, space, quietness, and quality time with our parents, just for them. Before we had the kids placed in our homes, Beth was a sweet little girl. After they were placed her true inside showed, she would manipulate you, lie, and copy. Yes she hurt me and my sisters a lot but we got through it. Looking back I see that she has improved quite a lot. Another struggle was David, he would bite, scream, kick, and be rude. But still we showered him with love, and he has improved also. Another struggle is when we talk to people or visit or have friends over. They just seem to cuddle and give so much attention to the little kids and we are left in the corner. Only thing people really talked about with us older ones was all about the adoption and about how cute they were. I'm sick of talking about the adoption. 

   Good things have come to the adoption though, 1st is that these siblings have a family and home, 2nd my little siblings are great helpers, 3rd is bigger family means more love.        

Sarah (age 15)

Nobody can truly understand the concept of unconditional love. Yet it is confusing at times. My family has learned and grown more in this love. An adoption can bring hardship, joy, closeness, and unity. The one thing that it makes you struggle with is how to love someone, who is unsure to love you back. When my family adopted, I thought everything was going to be right and dandy. It wasn’t. Being a teenager and then suddenly you have to share love with five siblings is hard. I wanted alone time, because I didn’t want to mess up when I interacted with them. Through all of this I have learned that you need to search yourself to find any faults and fix them with God’s help. It makes getting along a lot easier. Then through God find your explanation of unconditional love and demonstrate it to the kids. I have been blessed by seeing the hand of God in my life and my parents’ life.

How am I going to RESPOND???

Life is a struggle. God is continually seeking me in areas that I sin and showing me His grace and mercy. Why do I allow these struggles to bring me down? Why do I allow my little world to push me into sin and abandon my Father? Why do I not run to Him in times of struggle, but run to anger, sadness, and/or down right just want to give up?

Can you tell I have been in a struggle lately? God wants me to rely upon Him, but my first reaction is one or the entire list above. God is gracious and keeps seeking me when I don’t seek Him. My struggles are just plain overwhelming at time…or should I say I allow them to overwhelm me.

Sarah is going to community college in the fall for her senior year of High School. Trying to get her done with this year of school is a….challenge. A lot is on her plate. Rachel loves many subjects, but Algebra is not one of them. I feel like a dictator trying to enforce math time. On top of teaching I have two very active boys that will not allow school/teaching to occur at times. I maybe get in one good day of school a week. Hannah is right on schedule with her subjects except for one and Beth is behind like her older sisters.

 I feel a little like drowning…I do not like the feeling. So what do I do? I get overwhelmed. I stand here and look around and don’t know where to even start…did I mention that my house is a mess and I have other pressing matters to attend to also? Then I read where my Father, Creator, King is seeking me even through all this. I have to stop and think “what is it I truly am wanting”…I want more of Him! People may judge me for a messy house or kids that don’t know Algebra, but dog gone it I WANT to know my Heavenly Father that I will spend eternity with! I long for His arms and to learn more of His greatness. I want my children to know and desire Him also. Where are my priorities here on earthly things or heavenly things? I don’t have all the answers to my schooling or children’s behavioral issues, but what I do know is this earth and the desires of this earth is fleeting and totally temporal. My struggles are temporal! I want to make the best of my time here on earth for His kingdom. I am a missionary to my kids, husband and the friends God places me with. How am I going to respond?