Birth Children's Struggle in Adoption

You are about to read the heart of our birth children. It may offend some of you, but they are just expressing their feelings. They are not perfect and God is working in our girls more than ever. This adoption has transformed our lives even more than they can see at their young age. God is revealing things in their lives daily and my (all) children are seeing God work on a daily bases.  Please show grace as you read these, but also I hope these open your eyes to the struggling side of adoption. You may ask would we do it again after reading this. By the grace of our Heavenly Father...YES! In fact the girls are already asking when we will do it again.

From Hannah age 11…

When we got the kids they were trouble makers. Beth was sweet and loved me so much.  But when she moved in she ignored, copycatted, annoyed, and lied to me and more of that kid stuff. David was cute but now he is starting doing all what Beth does. Wesley he’s cute but he cries so much. All year it was wild but after Winter Jam I changed and I can see that I am nicer to the kids. If God was not in me I would be mean to them and I wouldn’t ask God to help me with any troubles with the kids. This year I’m very ahead in school even with the little kids around. I always wanted to be a big sister. Now I have loving siblings and my dream came true. 

Rachel (age 14)

A year ago, in a court room... three kids were being adopted…by my parents. Never once would my family go back down to five, a forever family. August of 2010 is when we had the three little ones placed in our homes. Before we had them in our home we knew the little girl and boy because we knew the little girl's foster parents from church.

In the spring of 2010 my parents had a family meeting with me and my two other sisters. They told us they were going to try to adopt the little girl. I and my sisters were so happy. Finally we would have another little sister! So first my parents had to take classes. Then we found out the little girl, 'Beth' had two brothers in another foster home, so now we would get them. Yip-pi we get brothers! Then we had to sell our cars and get bigger ones, buy clothes, and then the Lord provided us a fourth bedroom. We also had to sacrifice getting rid of some animals, stuff, space, quietness, and quality time with our parents, just for them. Before we had the kids placed in our homes, Beth was a sweet little girl. After they were placed her true inside showed, she would manipulate you, lie, and copy. Yes she hurt me and my sisters a lot but we got through it. Looking back I see that she has improved quite a lot. Another struggle was David, he would bite, scream, kick, and be rude. But still we showered him with love, and he has improved also. Another struggle is when we talk to people or visit or have friends over. They just seem to cuddle and give so much attention to the little kids and we are left in the corner. Only thing people really talked about with us older ones was all about the adoption and about how cute they were. I'm sick of talking about the adoption. 

   Good things have come to the adoption though, 1st is that these siblings have a family and home, 2nd my little siblings are great helpers, 3rd is bigger family means more love.        

Sarah (age 15)

Nobody can truly understand the concept of unconditional love. Yet it is confusing at times. My family has learned and grown more in this love. An adoption can bring hardship, joy, closeness, and unity. The one thing that it makes you struggle with is how to love someone, who is unsure to love you back. When my family adopted, I thought everything was going to be right and dandy. It wasn’t. Being a teenager and then suddenly you have to share love with five siblings is hard. I wanted alone time, because I didn’t want to mess up when I interacted with them. Through all of this I have learned that you need to search yourself to find any faults and fix them with God’s help. It makes getting along a lot easier. Then through God find your explanation of unconditional love and demonstrate it to the kids. I have been blessed by seeing the hand of God in my life and my parents’ life.

How am I going to RESPOND???

Life is a struggle. God is continually seeking me in areas that I sin and showing me His grace and mercy. Why do I allow these struggles to bring me down? Why do I allow my little world to push me into sin and abandon my Father? Why do I not run to Him in times of struggle, but run to anger, sadness, and/or down right just want to give up?

Can you tell I have been in a struggle lately? God wants me to rely upon Him, but my first reaction is one or the entire list above. God is gracious and keeps seeking me when I don’t seek Him. My struggles are just plain overwhelming at time…or should I say I allow them to overwhelm me.

Sarah is going to community college in the fall for her senior year of High School. Trying to get her done with this year of school is a….challenge. A lot is on her plate. Rachel loves many subjects, but Algebra is not one of them. I feel like a dictator trying to enforce math time. On top of teaching I have two very active boys that will not allow school/teaching to occur at times. I maybe get in one good day of school a week. Hannah is right on schedule with her subjects except for one and Beth is behind like her older sisters.

 I feel a little like drowning…I do not like the feeling. So what do I do? I get overwhelmed. I stand here and look around and don’t know where to even start…did I mention that my house is a mess and I have other pressing matters to attend to also? Then I read where my Father, Creator, King is seeking me even through all this. I have to stop and think “what is it I truly am wanting”…I want more of Him! People may judge me for a messy house or kids that don’t know Algebra, but dog gone it I WANT to know my Heavenly Father that I will spend eternity with! I long for His arms and to learn more of His greatness. I want my children to know and desire Him also. Where are my priorities here on earthly things or heavenly things? I don’t have all the answers to my schooling or children’s behavioral issues, but what I do know is this earth and the desires of this earth is fleeting and totally temporal. My struggles are temporal! I want to make the best of my time here on earth for His kingdom. I am a missionary to my kids, husband and the friends God places me with. How am I going to respond?

A FEW THOUGHTS

A few things have been on my mind lately and I just wanted to share.

First I wonder if we as a society (worldly and Christian) realize how we have put such an importance on motherly instincts to the point that we have distanced precious women that have not giving physical birth.  Shame on us! Let me right now apologize for those times I have done this. I want to put a stop to this myth that only if you have giving birth do you have these instincts! They (instincts) are truly a gift from God not just because I have carried a child for 9 months or so! I can testify to it! We all are going to scratch our head to why a baby is crying or why our older child is lying, but there are those times that I do KNOW why! When it happens I believe it is not this magical instinct, but a true gift from God. It happens with my birth children and my adopted children. In fact I have experienced it even more profound with my adopted children which on some days just blow me away! So if a mom (birth or adopted) ask you not to hold or feed her baby, to allow her to only comfort her little one, or not to let her child lead the line in Sunday School realize that God has given her the responsibility to raise that child and “instinct” to know how to do it right! Don’t lean over and say after I just corrected my son for a sin and tell him it is ok we all make mistakes! I am the mom not you! You may scratch your head as to why, but it really isn’t your right to even ask why. Just give God the glory that our God has gifted this mom and not YOU for this particular child!!!

Second how would you define yourself? As a mom (I just defined myself) I wonder how my kids would answer. I know they would answer differently during the changes in their life, but my point is there are many things I do not want them to define themselves and one that I want them to always to do. I am a follower of the Most High God! Yes I am a mom, wife, sister, and daughter, but I want to be known as a person who is like my Savior. I also desire with all my heart that my children do too!

 I think about how the world wants to define my kids. I get looks for many labels/defining that people put on us like homeschool and big family. Homeschooling can have a VERY negative response in some circles and positive in some others. With my three oldest I have almost always heard great things about them. One day I heard a very negative thing about my oldest. Mother bear wanted to come out because it was not said in love to me, but God did a work in my and her heart that day. We set out to make sure that if this accusation/defining had some truth in it. I wanted come alongside her and help her grow in that area. It ended up being untruth.  

You know it got me thinking about the world’s perspective on adopted children. There biggest reaction is underlining in how the person talks and treats my adopted child. If they have been around and know that we adopted them from foster care they assume they were abused. They treat them like a VICTIM (Oh, you poor child syndrome)! NO! they are not! Let me use the example of our Father in Heaven who rescued us by adoption…we are no longer in bondage with Satan! Romans 6:11, “So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.” Romans 6:14, “For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law, but under grace.” Neither are these kids in bondage to being victims. As Christians we want to (Lord please forgive us!) go back to our old master and so do these kids want to relish in the old feelings of what they think is control and also self-pity. My job as mom is to teach them how to change old behaviors, heal from the past, to count blessing, and look to see where God is working in their life. Some of those ways seem weird to others. My children will not be victims, but victors over the past. We look forward and count our blessings. I do not want my children to be defined as a lost sinner or as a victim. I want them to be a Child of the King and victorious in this life.

Third I have gotten a lot of questions and comments about my weight loss. Many of the questions are how I lost about 57 pounds. Just so you know if you find them I do not want them back! It is easy for me to answer Weight Watchers, but that is only the tool God has used for His glory. Today I went to go to my weigh in. I only have a few more pounds to get to the top of the range for my weight goal. I was praying and again giving back to God what He has done when it hit me all the things I have gone through in this past year with the weight loss. I started to just cry out to Him and give Him the glory. This process started when I realized I struggled with self-control in my eating. I want to be woman that can control myself and be that example for my kids! God has done some amazing work by teaching my how to control and change habits and have endurance. This endurance comes from reliance on Him when the desire for weight loss at times does not come. The physical changes are wonderful: much smaller clothes, more energy, some medical issues gone, and just feeling better. However, I treasure the closer relationship with my Heavenly Father much more. Yes the physical changes are great, but they are just a bonus to the spiritual changes that have been going on.  Thank you, my God, for an amazing husband to love me no matter what I look like and most importantly for your unfailing love and strength through all this past year’s journey.

Top Ten ways to Survive a Large Family

I thought this would be fun!

Christy’s top ten ways on how to survive a large family:

1. Pray for your kids all the time
2. Invest in toilet paper
3. Plan for extra time to get somewhere
4. Buy food in bulk
5. Clearance sales are the bomb!
6. Pack snacks for shopping trips
7. Family fun nights with pizza is way fun
8. Spend time alone at least once a week
9. Bubble baths (without knocking on the door) releases stress
10. Date nights can rejuvenate and helps in completing sentences!

Another BIG step forward!

Another big step forward! When we were blessed with David he had not gained even a pound for 9 months. He would eat two small meals in a day after they had put him on Ritalin at age of two. Ritalin has stunned his growth. We immediately took him off the drug and began to encourage him with food when he came home. Slow but sure he has gained weight, but still never seems real hungry like a busy boy should be.

However, lately he has been showing a desire to eat more!!! Tonight was amazing. He ate his chicken sandwich, downed some chips, ate two cup cakes and sat down with me to watch Veggie Tales and ate almost an entire bag of popcorn.

I will look back on this and laugh when he is a teenager and eating us out of house and home. Oh the simple JOY of parenting!

Trying to Understand my Beth...

The last few days I have been trying to understand Beth even more. Behaviors sometimes leave me scratching my head and at times crying.

Like why she blatantly disobeys. It is those little things that add up. For example I will say, “Eat your meat before you eat more potatoes please.” She makes sure I see her eat one bite. As soon as my head is turned she will eat the potatoes. Yes I know it is a little thing, but it happens over and over. Or those everyday things like not unbuckling until the car stops, not leaving the sink water running while you dry your hands, or jump on the couch. It always is when I go out the room or avert my attention somewhere else that disobedience happens. This is everyday over and over. Time after time the important thing called trust is lost.

Then we have the problem with her feeling like she must be in charge of everything and everyone. Every opportunity she can get she will answer a question that someone asked of me (or someone else), has to lead when walking, tells others what to do (like how to sit or hold a pencil), and just plain lie about something. Subtlety is this beautiful girl’s specialty. It is hard at times to realize that even a request for a hug is trying to control a person. Telling you to come here and look at her project is controlling you.

So why do I write all this? To help people who may be going through this with their child to know that they are not alone. It is an amazing feeling when you realize you are not alone! If you see one or two of these behaviors you would say this is just normal childhood issues. No, there are some underlining issues from her past that spearhead this. Yes sin is still at the center…her heart is not right before our righteous God. The awesome news is our God is merciful and so should we be! Healing in her heart and mind is still happening and mercy and grace must abound. This does not mean that discipline will not happen. My job is to understand her so I can guide her to the truth of her actions…I still need prayer on this!

I want to trust her so much. I want to trust her to play alone with her brother or even in her room. I want to trust her to take a shower alone. I want to trust her to obey when someone baby-sits her. I want to trust her to tell me the truth. Little by little she is starting to let go of the control and letting God rule. Some days I feel like it is slower than a snail. But I must remember that with God all this through Him are possible.

What I do know is that some day trust will come maybe tiny at times, but it will come. I know that I will not be able to trust her with things at a certain age like I trusted the older girls at that age. I know that God is faithful and will give me wisdom. Yes I get discouraged and feel so disappointed when disobedience happens and trust is lost again. What I know all too well is I also disappoint my Father and must trust Him in all things. So the main thing I am taking this week as I try to understand Beth more is that I must put my trust fully on God. I must live by example!

Am I being effective?

It is amazing how years can go by not knowing that you have believed a lie. How can I not of seen it? Once the truth shines its ever so bright light on a lie it is so wonderful and freeing. God has done that for me in the past week and half.

I have since childhood believed a lie that I am ineffective. What I felt I was ineffective in doing would change. When I was younger I believed that I wasn’t a good enough child to my parents, good enough student, good enough Christian. Later years to the present  I kept believing at certain times that I could not be a good enough mom, wife, friend, and teacher. I was always trying to be perfect to show I was effective. Problem…I was “trying” in my power while still believing a lie. I wanted to be Christ like in all those areas, while believing that I am ineffective or to put it in another term…I will never measure up. When I “got it wrong” I got frustrated, down, and overwhelmed. Take is from me when you are in those times of believing a lie you won’t be as effective as God could use you! Also instead of getting down in the dumps, frustrated, and overwhelmed during those times that I am not perfect I need to stop and see what I need to learn from it. Face those times with joy that God is trying to teach me something because He love ME!

It was during a weak moment that I was crying unto God for help and feeling like my prayers were just “ineffective” that He was talking to me. He sent a couple of dear friends and my husband to point out that He was trying to show me something, to grow me. One dearest friend led me to 2 Peter 1: 3-8. Verse 8 is what she had me focus on. WOW! She pointed out that I do demonstrate the fruit of the Spirit and that shows I am not “ineffective” and I am growing in the knowledge of my dear Savior and King! Then my husband really helped me to open my eyes to when, where, and how I was blinded to the truth. Now I am at the place I am asking God to open my eyes to when and where I am trying to do things in my strength and NOT my Father’s all powerful strength!

God is so good. I feel free and have unspeakable joy! God is my teacher and yes I am not perfect and will fall down, but I will get up and run again for that prize, but in God’s strength!

If you read this Blog because of your interest in our adoption you may ask, “What has all this have to do with adoption?” EVERYTHING! The children that you bring into your home I would make a guess that 99.9999999% of them were born into a home full of lies, deceit, and fears. All of those are not from God. They are going to come with generational sins (whether an infant or grown)…Pray for God to wipe those clean! You have the job to clean yourself of lies so you can be “effective” in helping them see what lies they believe! I feel like I have a renewed vision on how to help ALL of my children!

Just to clear up one thing: according to the world many struggle with “self-esteem” The Bible teaches us that our self-esteem comes through Christ alone and His Word is ALIVE!

Thank you Jesus for you Word and using us an imperfect people to be effective for YOU!