So here is the question of the week...can you bond when a child sabotages the bonding process? I have several discussions this week on this and still don't know exactly what I think. Love is most defiantly a choice that one person can choose even when the other person does not. So is bonding a choice that can be made one sided? One person told me yes. According to this person I can bond with Beth by my choice. Even when she seems to always push me away with frustrating behaviors where trust keeps getting lost. Another person told me that the bonding process has to have two willing participates because bonding is a two ways street. So even though I love Beth so much and desire to bond with her with all my heart I can not if she chooses to not bond with me. Love her, but not bond. So what do you think? I desire to have a close relationship with her like I experience with all my other children. I have tried to bond, but still feel alienated from her. Therefore, I am leaning towards agreeing with the second person.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Bonding...one way street or two??
So here is the question of the week...can you bond when a child sabotages the bonding process? I have several discussions this week on this and still don't know exactly what I think. Love is most defiantly a choice that one person can choose even when the other person does not. So is bonding a choice that can be made one sided? One person told me yes. According to this person I can bond with Beth by my choice. Even when she seems to always push me away with frustrating behaviors where trust keeps getting lost. Another person told me that the bonding process has to have two willing participates because bonding is a two ways street. So even though I love Beth so much and desire to bond with her with all my heart I can not if she chooses to not bond with me. Love her, but not bond. So what do you think? I desire to have a close relationship with her like I experience with all my other children. I have tried to bond, but still feel alienated from her. Therefore, I am leaning towards agreeing with the second person.
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In my opinion, the bonding process might take years for your relationship. You have to give yourself a break and her a break. There was not that instant maternal bond with her. She is waiting for the rejection because that is what has happened in her life. You also have to allow God to be God and allow this to happen in His time in your relationship. Only He knows when that will happen and it might take a little longer than expected.
ReplyDeleteThe definition of bond is "a link that binds people together in a relationship"
ReplyDeleteAdoption is an idea authored by God. He adopted us, so looking at "bonding" in that perspective, let's go a little further. What is the link that binds God and His children together in a relationship? The answer is clear... it's Jesus Christ. We get a new life through Christ when we become adopted by the Father, but it is rare that we change immediately and totally look like one of His own. We have habits, patterns, things deeply entrenched in our hearts and souls that keep us from totally embracing that new life in Christ. Over time, God patiently works on us, disciplines us, loves on us, molds us. We begin to look more and more like Christ.
BUT more questions arise as we think about bonding in and of itself... What is the link the ties us together with our earthly children, biological and adopted? That's something easy to feel when bonded, but not always easy to express. Another question... Is God bonded to us even when we are not to Him and walk away from His relationship? We know God LOVES us so much that He died for us while we were His enemies. But was He BONDED to us while we chose to be His enemies? I don't know if we can say BOND. I guess it depends on how broad and loose we use the term?
I think you pose a really good question, Christy, and it's not so easy to put the answer in black and white. Can we truly "bond" (given the definition above) to another person when they don't bond to us? I want to imitate God as He is the perfect parent. So we can clearly love a child, yes even to the point of death. But until we can answer the question if God "bonds" to people when we refuse to bond to Him (using the definition of bond), I don't think we can answer this within earthly relationships definitively.
At least those are my loose thoughts on the question. :)
This is Joe's thoughts on the subject...and I thought they were very insightful.
ReplyDeleteGreat comments! However, I’d say that there is a differentiation between adoption and bonding. Adoption is the legal status that has changed whereas bonding is a description of the personal relationship. So the analogy does not fit in those descriptions. Other pictures of relationship in the bible that are appropriate (John 15, Rom 8:37-39, 2 Tim 2:8-13) where God’s love never fails even though we choose to be faithless at times. If we persevere in faith due to God’s grace and love is true, then is that the same for human relationships? My thought is no since God is the only one who can influence the human soul. So we conclude that we love as God has loved and leave her in God’s hand’s whether or not she wants to “burn the branch” of a God-given relationship.